Thank you for applying for the position of Majority Leader. Please return this completed form to NZ Bear.
Part I. The Money Stuff
1. Does Jack Abramoff have your cell-phone number in his Blackberry?
____. Yes. (You may skip the rest of the questions.)
2. Did you have signature privileges at Signatures restaurant?
____. Yes. (That’s it. You’re done. And you might want to get
3. In the last four years, have you accepted greater than $10,000
in campaign contributions from Abramoff clients?
_____. Yes. (Thank you, that will be all. We know it isn’t fair,
but elections aren’t fair.)
_____. No. (Are you sure about that?)
4. Did you take any trip anywhere in the past four years that
involved more than three rounds of golf?
____. Yes. (Sorry, you are out. Unless you were golfing in
Israel or on a military base.)
____. No. (Please attach a sheet explaining what you have against
5. Please attach a separate sheet listing the earmarks you have
inserted in appropriations bills since your career began.
If you need two sheets, don’t bother.
6. Prior to the decision to move forward, did you support Duncan
Hunter’s proposal to bring Congressman Murtha’s defeat
an retreat resolution to the floor?
____. No. (Who are you kidding? Get out now.)
7. Please list all relatives and their sources of income.
8. Do you have “K Street Project” tattooed on your ankle?
Part II. The Sex Stuff.
We don’t want to know. But if the Post does, then drop out now.
Part III. The Brains Stuff
Ask your best friend in the caucus. The one who offers you the breath mint all the time.
Then tell us your plans for 2006.
Part IV. The Media Stuff
Please attach a video file of your three best appearances on television. We’ll be the judge of that.
Thank you for your interest. We’ll be in touch.
(NOTE: Incredibly, the GOP Conference has not circulated any form of questionaire to would-be members of the leadership.
It isn’t a surprise if you don’t ask.)